Dirty Little Secret

I've been at graduate school for three weeks now. Men here are a minority, and most of the few are married. Damn circle-wearers.

Except for one.

He's pretty cute. And he's going to be a doctor, so why not?

We were at a party. We got drunk. We ended up in his bed.

He drove me home in the morning.

It was a normal day for about five hours after that. Then I hear my roommate talking in the kitchen about the guy and his girlfriend.

What had I just done?

I called up the guy.

"Do you have a girlfriend?"

"I do, I'm sorry. I was going to tell you but I didn't want to hurt you."

What the fuck. You didn't want to hurt me? We just met. How about, "'I didn't want to hurt the woman I've been dating for the past two years'?"

But he never said those words.

Instead of giving him a moral diatribe, I shared with him my own story about cheating.

I told him about how my ex made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. As if I wasn't satisfying him in some way. As if I was stupid, because I missed some sign he was sleeping around.

My ex made me terrified of STDs, because I had had no idea where he had been. My ex made me angry at the possibility that his moments of fun would have lifelong health consequences for me. My ex has made me paranoid that the next guy I give myself to will cheat, too.

I told this guy that if he truly loved his girlfriend, if he didn't want to damage her the way I've been damaged, he should either (1) tell her what he did and hopefully work things out or (2) break up with her before she finds out. Because she WILL find out. Whether it's through an anonymous email, or through some other cruel workings of the universe, she will find out.

I told him that when I think about all of the men I've dated, I still smile at our memories--except those I share with the cheater. When I do stoop to thinking about him, I'm filled with disgust. I know I'm awaiting an apology (one more grand than a Facebook message) that will never come.

And do you know what's so sad? People who have never even met him only know him as the guy who cheated on me.

I told my "friend" on the other side of the phone that if he doesn't want to be hated by strangers, if he wants his girlfriend to smile when she looks back on her time with him, and if he wants a shot at post-relationship friendship with her, he needs to take option (2).

"I can't! I'm going to propose to her next summer."

If things are so serious you're wanting to marry this woman, why would you cheat? Especially since you had told my roommate that while you and your girlfriend were not virgins, you had decided to wait for each other until your wedding night. Your unusual but respectful choice was the reason you were the topic of discussion in the kitchen.

The same reason I discovered your lie.

My only comment was, "I'm telling you what I wish just one of those girls had told my ex. I wish just one of them had told him that what he was doing was wrong, and that they wanted no part in helping him hurt me. Because your girlfriend is a stranger to me. She's innocent. I don't hurt innocents."

We hung up.

The worst part? At a school with only 100 students, my group and his have since combined. Naturally.

We study together, we work on projects together, we go out downtown together.

He's tried several times to get me into bed again. I want no part in this game he's playing.

I have to see his stupid face every day for the next four years. Fantastic.