The Art of Hooking Up

In theory, a man asking a woman out on a date to the local art museum seems like a good idea. He doesn’t have to talk much, he gets to show off how sophisticated he is, and it’s inexpensive. In actuality, it’s just awkward. He quickly realizes: Am I supposed to follow her from piece to piece? What distance isn’t too far to make her think I’m ignoring her, but not too close to make her feel I’m constantly looking over her shoulder? Am I supposed to “oooh” and “ahh” and frown when she does? What if I accidentally “oooh” when she frowns?

Being a woman, I myself am on the receiving end of the man’s nervousness. A trip to the art museum does not make for a good first date for either party. And it’s that dreaded awkwardness which makes dating hard and hooking up a seemingly easy alternative. Dating requires you to get through a lot of “I-can’t-text-him-first-or-he’ll-think-I’m-desperate-[several hours later]-maybe-just-this-once-I’ll-intitiate-oh-great-he’s-responded-already-now-how-long-should-I-wait-to-text-back-[half an hour goes by]-I-wonder-if-he-thinks-what-I-said-is-stupid-why-hasn’t-he-responded-again” mind games. This is very emotionally taxing. But with hooking up you can skip the art museums and head straight to bed.

Is that why hooking up has eclipsed dating on college campuses? 

Now I know you didn’t choose to read this to learn more about art museums. You want the dirty deets of hooking up. I don’t blame you; that seems far more interesting to me, too. My point is this: hooking up isn’t as straightforward as it seems. In fact, it’s a just a revamped trip to the art museum. Neither party knows what to do at first. And, similar to how asking someone’s opinion on a hideous sculpture is always a trick question, hooking up means something different to everyone. This ambiguity can be a good thing. If you’re a man, “Bro, I hooked up with her last night,” translates to, “I got laid” even if you didn’t and you just want to seem like you’ve got game. If you’re a woman, you can use the ambiguity to defeat the sexual double standard. Say you did sleep with a guy, but you don’t want to appear slutty. You tell your girlfriends you just “hooked up” and maybe that means you made out? Heavy petted? Fingered? Oral? Who knows? Oh wait, no one does and that’s the point. Because no one wants to be the awkward middle schooler who asks how far you went. And that, my friends, is the beauty (?) of saying something without saying anything.

BUT. In keeping with the art analogy, hooking up doesn’t follow the rules. Accompanying the ambiguity is the lack of a script. This works for some people; for others, not so much. Is there a Third Day Phone Call, like in dating? Was my hook up a drunken one night stand, my new friend with benefits, someone I’ll end up in a relationship with? If we do hook up again, how do I know when it’ll be our last time? As in, when should I not leave my good bra under his couch cushion if I ever want to see it again?

These are just a few of the questions I’m going to explore. I think these will be more than enough to keep you entertained. And who, you ask, is entertaining you? I’m an undergrad biology major, art minor. I’m halfway through my third year and I’ve experienced a little bit of everything in that short amount of time. I started school in a long distance relationship with a guy I’d been with for three years, then I broke his heart and transitioned to the hook up culture, enjoyed the single life, then I switched back to dating around, and finally after too many first dates I’ve found myself in a committed relationship once again. Which I never expected. But more on that later.

Point is, throughout the manic phases which have comprised my love life thus far, I’ve struggled with defining hooking up, how it relates to my gender role, why it’s so much more popular than dating in college, and a whole slew of related topics. And I’ve decided that hooking up is one twisted art form indeed. Finding the delicate balance between acting like a not-friend and a not-girlfriend was harder than painting in the lines with water color. I’ll stick to my hard and fast acrylic paints, thank you.