Hey, Guys, Check Out my New Jacket

I did a little research, and, like anyone with an ego, all I could think about as I was reading was how it applied to me, myself, and I. Gather ‘round, people. Shit’s about to get real.

Before I totally lose you, here’s a little background (or, if you don’t care to be academic and you just want to hear the good part, skip to paragraph #4). According to an article titled, "Hooking Up Among College Students: Demographic and Psychosocial Correlates" by Jesse J. Owen, et al., there are certain demographic and psychosocial factors which make some people more likely than others to engage in hook up behavior. I’m talking about anything from kissing to sex—the only requirement is that it must occur outside of a committed relationship. And it must occur without the promise of future encounters; otherwise, we call that “friends with benefits.”

The study found that the following factors make you more likely to hook up: being Caucasian, coming from higher parental income, having consumed alcohol, and harboring favorable attitudes about the hook up culture. Surprisingly, being a man or a woman didn’t seem to make much difference. An equal proportion of college men and women reported having hooked up. Where the two genders differed was in their reactions post-hook up. Women tended to feel more hurt and confused afterwards, regardless of whether the hook up had been wanted or unwanted, because of the lack of communication about the meaning of the encounter. Men reported negative feelings as well, but to a lesser extent.

So. I’m a Caucasian female coming from high parental income with an ambiguous attitude about hooking up. And one fateful Thirsty Thursday during my sophomore year, after having had way too much to drink, I spent the night in a frat house with a kid I’d met twenty minutes prior.

I don’t remember how it started, exactly. One minute I was dancing and laughing with my girlfriends, and the next I was I wrestling the bed sheets with Mr. Frat Star. When I woke up the next morning, he was polite enough to give me his jacket to wear home, but he didn’t bother walking me to his bedroom door, much less his house door, much less the half mile back to my apartment.

I fit the demographic profile of the study, yes. But I didn’t experience any negative feelings—in fact, I went to bio lecture an hour after I got home. Perhaps this is because I had no time to get attached; I didn’t even know the guy’s last name.

Perhaps it’s because we didn’t actually have sex. That's right. We did other stuff, sure, but all that wrestling was because I thought I was in my bed and I couldn't figure out why someone else was in it with me. How many different ways can you say "pathetic"? (Side note: I've never had sex with a hook-up. Not really my thing. Yet I've always believed that [literally] sleeping with someone is super intimate simply because of the trust involved. I mean, he could shave off your eyebrows if he wanted to and you wouldn't even realize till it's too late!)

Perhaps it’s because I got a REALLY NICE jacket out of it. Which I did attempt to return. I found him on Facebook a while later, and when he accepted my friend request I expected a message asking for the jacket. But none came, and eventually I deleted him.

One year later, we ran into each other at the grocery store. No words were exchanged. Just a look. And I was wearing his jacket. Isn’t life funny?

I think there’s more to the hook up culture than described in the article. I think the reason women get hurt is because they try to use hooking up as a means to start a relationship. In general, women have a harder time than men separating sex and love. If hooking up is used as a means for CONSENSUAL sexual gratification, there ought not to be any negative feelings. Hurt and confusion arise from a discrepancy in expectations.

Moral of the story? Don’t hook up with someone you care about. It’s emotionally safer to hook up with someone for purely physical reasons. If you read “To Hook Up or Date: Which Gender Benefits?” by Carolyn Bradshaw, et al., for which I provided an annotation in a previous post, you’ll find support for my statement. Bradshaw reported that women tend to hook up so that for one night they can feel desired. It is way, way easier to get in bed for one night with a Mr. Frat Star than it is to get in bed for one night with someone whom you want to share a bed with for the rest of your nights.