Hey, Guys, Check Out my New Jacket

I did a little research, and, like anyone with an ego, all I could think about as I was reading was how it applied to me, myself, and I. Gather ‘round, people. Shit’s about to get real.

Before I totally lose you, here’s a little background (or, if you don’t care to be academic and you just want to hear the good part, skip to paragraph #4). According to an article titled, "Hooking Up Among College Students: Demographic and Psychosocial Correlates" by Jesse J. Owen, et al., there are certain demographic and psychosocial factors which make some people more likely than others to engage in hook up behavior. I’m talking about anything from kissing to sex—the only requirement is that it must occur outside of a committed relationship. And it must occur without the promise of future encounters; otherwise, we call that “friends with benefits.”

The study found that the following factors make you more likely to hook up: being Caucasian, coming from higher parental income, having consumed alcohol, and harboring favorable attitudes about the hook up culture. Surprisingly, being a man or a woman didn’t seem to make much difference. An equal proportion of college men and women reported having hooked up. Where the two genders differed was in their reactions post-hook up. Women tended to feel more hurt and confused afterwards, regardless of whether the hook up had been wanted or unwanted, because of the lack of communication about the meaning of the encounter. Men reported negative feelings as well, but to a lesser extent.

So. I’m a Caucasian female coming from high parental income with an ambiguous attitude about hooking up. And one fateful Thirsty Thursday during my sophomore year, after having had way too much to drink, I spent the night in a frat house with a kid I’d met twenty minutes prior.

I don’t remember how it started, exactly. One minute I was dancing and laughing with my girlfriends, and the next I was I wrestling the bed sheets with Mr. Frat Star. When I woke up the next morning, he was polite enough to give me his jacket to wear home, but he didn’t bother walking me to his bedroom door, much less his house door, much less the half mile back to my apartment.

I fit the demographic profile of the study, yes. But I didn’t experience any negative feelings—in fact, I went to bio lecture an hour after I got home. Perhaps this is because I had no time to get attached; I didn’t even know the guy’s last name.

Perhaps it’s because we didn’t actually have sex. That's right. We did other stuff, sure, but all that wrestling was because I thought I was in my bed and I couldn't figure out why someone else was in it with me. How many different ways can you say "pathetic"? (Side note: I've never had sex with a hook-up. Not really my thing. Yet I've always believed that [literally] sleeping with someone is super intimate simply because of the trust involved. I mean, he could shave off your eyebrows if he wanted to and you wouldn't even realize till it's too late!)

Perhaps it’s because I got a REALLY NICE jacket out of it. Which I did attempt to return. I found him on Facebook a while later, and when he accepted my friend request I expected a message asking for the jacket. But none came, and eventually I deleted him.

One year later, we ran into each other at the grocery store. No words were exchanged. Just a look. And I was wearing his jacket. Isn’t life funny?

I think there’s more to the hook up culture than described in the article. I think the reason women get hurt is because they try to use hooking up as a means to start a relationship. In general, women have a harder time than men separating sex and love. If hooking up is used as a means for CONSENSUAL sexual gratification, there ought not to be any negative feelings. Hurt and confusion arise from a discrepancy in expectations.

Moral of the story? Don’t hook up with someone you care about. It’s emotionally safer to hook up with someone for purely physical reasons. If you read “To Hook Up or Date: Which Gender Benefits?” by Carolyn Bradshaw, et al., for which I provided an annotation in a previous post, you’ll find support for my statement. Bradshaw reported that women tend to hook up so that for one night they can feel desired. It is way, way easier to get in bed for one night with a Mr. Frat Star than it is to get in bed for one night with someone whom you want to share a bed with for the rest of your nights.

Other Blogs

Hmmm...seems like I'm not the only one with something to say. Check these out:

Marriage and the Family

Teen Dating and the College Hook Up

To Date or Hook Up?

Our Turn: Feminism for Newbies

Hook Up, or Date?

Annotation for: Bradshaw, Carolyn, Arnold S. Kahn, and Bryan K. Saville. "To Hook Up Or Date: Which Gender Benefits?" Sex Roles 62.9-10 (2010): 661-9. ProQuest. Web. 18 Jan. 2014.

The authors acknowledge that dating has been surpassed by hooking up on college campuses. Their research suggests that women benefit more from dating, and that men benefit more from hooking up. Under dating circumstances, the man is in an unfavorable position. Not only does he risk rejection, he must also entertain the woman should she accept his invitation to go out, and then he will likely pay the bill. Additionally, at the end of the night, it is the woman who wields the sexual power. She can decide to accept or reject his affectionate advances. By contrast, under hooking up circumstances, sexual goals are achieved at a much lower cost.

The article goes on to discuss the various pros and cons of each practice for the two genders, with consideration to a variety of other demographic factors such as age, ethnicity, religion, etc. An important point the authors make is that preference for either dating or hooking up largely depends upon the goals of the two individuals—whether they are looking for a long-term relationship or for sexual gratification—and that this can transcend all other factors. The article is written in a language easy to understand but still scientific, and inclusive of extensive statistical measures which lend credibility to the study. Overall, it is a beneficial read for someone just beginning research about the topic.

The Art of Hooking Up

In theory, a man asking a woman out on a date to the local art museum seems like a good idea. He doesn’t have to talk much, he gets to show off how sophisticated he is, and it’s inexpensive. In actuality, it’s just awkward. He quickly realizes: Am I supposed to follow her from piece to piece? What distance isn’t too far to make her think I’m ignoring her, but not too close to make her feel I’m constantly looking over her shoulder? Am I supposed to “oooh” and “ahh” and frown when she does? What if I accidentally “oooh” when she frowns?

Being a woman, I myself am on the receiving end of the man’s nervousness. A trip to the art museum does not make for a good first date for either party. And it’s that dreaded awkwardness which makes dating hard and hooking up a seemingly easy alternative. Dating requires you to get through a lot of “I-can’t-text-him-first-or-he’ll-think-I’m-desperate-[several hours later]-maybe-just-this-once-I’ll-intitiate-oh-great-he’s-responded-already-now-how-long-should-I-wait-to-text-back-[half an hour goes by]-I-wonder-if-he-thinks-what-I-said-is-stupid-why-hasn’t-he-responded-again” mind games. This is very emotionally taxing. But with hooking up you can skip the art museums and head straight to bed.

Is that why hooking up has eclipsed dating on college campuses? 

Now I know you didn’t choose to read this to learn more about art museums. You want the dirty deets of hooking up. I don’t blame you; that seems far more interesting to me, too. My point is this: hooking up isn’t as straightforward as it seems. In fact, it’s a just a revamped trip to the art museum. Neither party knows what to do at first. And, similar to how asking someone’s opinion on a hideous sculpture is always a trick question, hooking up means something different to everyone. This ambiguity can be a good thing. If you’re a man, “Bro, I hooked up with her last night,” translates to, “I got laid” even if you didn’t and you just want to seem like you’ve got game. If you’re a woman, you can use the ambiguity to defeat the sexual double standard. Say you did sleep with a guy, but you don’t want to appear slutty. You tell your girlfriends you just “hooked up” and maybe that means you made out? Heavy petted? Fingered? Oral? Who knows? Oh wait, no one does and that’s the point. Because no one wants to be the awkward middle schooler who asks how far you went. And that, my friends, is the beauty (?) of saying something without saying anything.

BUT. In keeping with the art analogy, hooking up doesn’t follow the rules. Accompanying the ambiguity is the lack of a script. This works for some people; for others, not so much. Is there a Third Day Phone Call, like in dating? Was my hook up a drunken one night stand, my new friend with benefits, someone I’ll end up in a relationship with? If we do hook up again, how do I know when it’ll be our last time? As in, when should I not leave my good bra under his couch cushion if I ever want to see it again?

These are just a few of the questions I’m going to explore. I think these will be more than enough to keep you entertained. And who, you ask, is entertaining you? I’m an undergrad biology major, art minor. I’m halfway through my third year and I’ve experienced a little bit of everything in that short amount of time. I started school in a long distance relationship with a guy I’d been with for three years, then I broke his heart and transitioned to the hook up culture, enjoyed the single life, then I switched back to dating around, and finally after too many first dates I’ve found myself in a committed relationship once again. Which I never expected. But more on that later.

Point is, throughout the manic phases which have comprised my love life thus far, I’ve struggled with defining hooking up, how it relates to my gender role, why it’s so much more popular than dating in college, and a whole slew of related topics. And I’ve decided that hooking up is one twisted art form indeed. Finding the delicate balance between acting like a not-friend and a not-girlfriend was harder than painting in the lines with water color. I’ll stick to my hard and fast acrylic paints, thank you.