Your Presence is Present Enough

“Your presence is present enough.” You typically say this when you’re hosting an event, such as a birthday party, for which it is customary for guests to bring gifts but you wish to relieve them of this obligation. You could have a number of reasons. Maybe you want the event to be more casual, or maybe the event is painfully close to an expensive holiday (example: December birthdays and Christmas), or maybe you’re just a selfless person who’s decided to ditch the mirrors and make a blood oath to Abnegation. These people tend to be the same ones who ask for donations of gently used clothing and toys to send to underprivileged children in the third world.

Anyway. I said these five words to my ex last year in response to him accepting my invitation to try and be friends again. I had invited him and several mutual friends from high school over to swim and barbeque ON my birthday. Not FOR my birthday. I didn’t want to make the night a big deal.

But people are incapable of showing up to parties empty-handed. As a result, I was the recipient of an odd collection of baked goods, gift cards, and dollar theater movie passes. Not that my friends and I aren't a thoughtful group of humans who truly care about each other--we do exchange meaningful gifts on big occasions when we aren't busy taking midterms and commuting to our unpaid internships.

I wasn’t interested in the shopping spree promised by my cousin’s $20 gift card to 99₵ World, though. I was interested in what my ex of three years would possibly get me. Mostly because I would have to turn around and get him something the next month for his birthday.

So after I said my line about not wanting a present from him, he insisted. He even asked a few questions about art supplies I was running out of and books I’d been wanting to read.

Except…he was THE ONLY ONE who got me nothing. Not even a card. He showed up to my house, ate my food, and socialized with our friends, ignoring me all the while. I cried when he finally left.

I’m not some brat who needs presents to feel special. The reason I felt so crushed is because we had once meant so much to each other. You’d think that after dating someone for three years you’re guaranteed at least a birthday card. Kind of like a “Hey, we’re not together anymore but this day is will always be your day, so it’s still special. Make it a good one.”

Why are presents such a big deal? For the same reason hand-holding is. Gifting is a display of vulnerability, because you can and will be judged on what you give.

For example, when men give women jewelry, earrings aren’t a big deal. Guy friends can give those. But a bracelet or a necklace? Dating partners only. And rings? Whoa. Strictly for serious couples. 

Anyway, my ex’s empty-handedness was an enlightening experience. It was then that I realized the link between presents and vulnerability, and when I realized this is also why a hook-up will never *figuratively* bring a girl flowers. Who knows if the roses will come across as “you were great in bed last night and today’s your birthday so I feel like I should get you something but I don’t know what” versus “I was thinking of you all day today and I thought these would put a smile on your face”?

Dammit I bet daisies will be less confusing.

Fuck it, maybe daffodils.

.............................................

How much of a douche would I be if I got her nothing?

Obviously, my ex chose the last option. I’m not saying he’s similar because he was a hook-up, because he wasn’t.  He’s similar because, rather than show a little vulnerability, rather than show he still cares a teensy bit enough to go the store and pick out something, rather than show an ounce of thoughtfulness in the form of a pre-written Hallmark card, he took the easy way out and got me nothing.

No gift, no feelings, no risk. Impossible to be misinterpreted.

So whatever your take on the whole "your presence is present enough" sentiment is, be wary that your interpretation has the potential to very different from someone else's. If you want to avoid a world of hurt, there are plenty of charities who would benefit more from last season's high-waisted shorts than you would from a gift card to a store you never go to, or an ambiguous bouquet of flowers.