Will You Still Love Me Without my Mascara?

So something happened to me last weekend. I accidentally fell asleep at my boyfriend’s apartment. It was the first time I had ever spent the night. Even though all we did was sleep, when we both woke up the next morning something between us had changed. It felt like we had been stitched closer together. Since I haven’t been a part of the relationship scene for two years, this scared me a little. I couldn’t place why, at first, but then I decided to consult the all-knowing Internet and see what the authorities have to say about intimacy.

Both hook ups and relationships involve intimacy, but vulnerability is what distinguishes the two. Vulnerability means taking risks, being okay with uncertainty, and emotionally exposing yourself. Hooking up doesn’t require you to make yourself vulnerable, which makes it very attractive.

Hooking up also lacks many of the pressures of dating. It doesn’t involve all of the formalities of making plans (and being judged if the restaurant you pick is too cheap or too fancy) and being over-polite. There aren’t any awkward lulls in conversation, no Oh-my-God-how-long-have-I-been-talking-with-food-in-my-teeth realizations, no accidental hand brushing as you reach for popcorn at the same time. 

What’s more, hooking up allows people to be more emotionally detached, something which our culture supports. If a guy falls “too hard” for a girl, he’s “whipped.” Likewise, a girl is “clingy.” Neither of these adjectives is very flattering. Hooking up allows people to circumvent these negative labels by allowing them to experience all of the contact comforts of intimacy without truly baring themselves and potentially getting hurt. 

 

Networking sites such as Facebook or Twitter create artificial intimacy, the false sense you actually know what’s going on in other people’s lives because you know what they ate for dinner. They are great ways to get information about someone without fully committing yourself. In this sense, social media are enablers of hooking up.

 

In fact, the Tinder app was designed for this very purpose.

What is Tinder? Essentially, you create a profile for yourself with a few pictures and a short bio. People within a certain mileage can view your profile and swipe right to “like” or swipe left to “pass.” When two people “like” each other, they can chat and decide to meet up. The encounters are not dates, though. 

They’re somewhat more like this:

Tinderella, a Modern Fairy Tale

You see, Tinderella didn’t have to wake up with her guy. Because he wasn’t really hers. And he wasn’t really rejected when she left, because he was never playing “the game.” There were no promises. I must admit, I myself have played that card to make myself feel better. I asked a hook up to my sorority formal last year, and when he left to use the bathroom and never came back, I told myself I had no right to feel upset because it’s not like he was boyfriend. He didn’t owe me anything. He’s an asshole, but so what?

Now let’s go waaaay back to the beginning of my ramblings. You’re at your most vulnerable when you’re asleep. You’re completely relaxed (can’t suck in that food baby!), your hair’s in tangles, your makeup’s all smeared, you’ve got horrible morning breath—all in front of the person whom you’re trying to impress most. So when I woke up next to my significant other for the first time, I knew the moment could go one of two ways. He could (figuratively) disappear into the bathroom, never to return. Or he could stay. I held my breath and waited. The air was charged with the possibility of rejection. But I got a kiss instead, our stitches got a little bit tighter.

~~The Authorities~~

Why a "Real" Date is Better than Hooking Up

Vulnerability: Love's Secret Ingredient